Listening to: The Guild – (Do You Wanna Date My) Avatar (feat. Felicia Day)

I have not written word one that wasn’t required for school, posted to Twitter/Facebook, or posted here in several months.  Before Mom died, it was understandable.  I was busy with Mom, school, the kids, looking for some sort of work, etc.  Well now that Mom has passed, my school is out for a few weeks, my children are returning to school, and I have given the job thing a rest at my wife’s request so that I can increase my class load, it seems that I should have plenty of time to write.  Unfortunately, it isn’t turning out that way.

Since Mom died, I have been in this state of depression that I can’t get out of.  My wife thought it was because I miss Mom, but I had a talk with her the other night and I think I know what’s wrong.  My stress levels have been so high this last year that I have been on constant alert.  Here was an example of my schedule as of a couple months ago:

  • 10am – Fix Mom’s breakfast, which consisted of the food of the day, one cup of coffee with a blop of milk and one and a half teaspoons of sugar, a cup of juice, and her pills.
  • 11am-1pm – Work on homework until 1:30pm.
  • 1pm-2pm – Either fix Mom’s lunch or go to school depending on what day it was.  One of the older children fixed lunch when I had to go to school.
  • 2pm-5:30pm – If not at school, I worked on homework, ran errands, or did other assorted chores.  Take care of whatever Mom needed in between.
  • 5:30pm-6:30pm – If not at school, fix supper.  My wife took care of supper otherwise.
  • 6:30pm-8pm – Relax a bit unless still at school.
  • 8pm-10pm – Drive home from school or work with my wife on anything else that needed to be done, including anything Mom needed.
  • 10pm – Mom’s bedtime meds.
  • After that, it was free time until sleep.

The last week she was alive, the stress levels amped up to eleven.  After the funeral and the main aftermath, my classes started back and the children were out of school.  Plenty to do.  Then classes ended this week.  Suddenly, my schedule is open with nothing to keep my attention.  The routine that I followed with minor tweaks to account for Mom’s or the children’s needs was destroyed.  I have kept to a schedule for three years and not I have copious amounts of free time.

I have come to the conclusion that it is not Mom’s death.  Considering the pain she was in at the end, I consider it a blessing that she went when she did.  I miss her, but she is better off this way.

I think my main problem is that I have never handled drastic change well.  When I got divorced, I fell apart.  Ask anyone who was around at the time.  I was a total mess.  It wasn’t that I wanted my ex-wife back.  I didn’t.  An ex is an ex for a reason.  Or in our case, a multitude of reasons.  I fell apart because my life no longer made sense.  I was alone for the first time in my life.  I missed the hell out of my children.  They were a part of my life since the day they were born and suddenly I had to share them.  I lost my house.  I was laid off from my job.  My car was totaled.  All this happened over the space of a few months.  Yeah, I was a mess.

I am nowhere near that now, but the feeling is similar.  It’s like the difference between having a chocolate bar or a fudge brownie with chocolate chips, a scoop of chocolate-chocolate chip ice cream on top drenched in hot fudge.  It’s all chocolate, but there is a difference in magnitude.  My current depression still has that flavor of huge-life-changiness to it, but it is not heaped up in the bowl.

It just sucks a lot.

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“When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching — they are your family.”

~ Harry Dresden – Proven Guilty by Jim Butcher

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