What’s Wrong With Me? Friday, Jul 30 2010 

Listening to: The Guild – (Do You Wanna Date My) Avatar (feat. Felicia Day)

I have not written word one that wasn’t required for school, posted to Twitter/Facebook, or posted here in several months.  Before Mom died, it was understandable.  I was busy with Mom, school, the kids, looking for some sort of work, etc.  Well now that Mom has passed, my school is out for a few weeks, my children are returning to school, and I have given the job thing a rest at my wife’s request so that I can increase my class load, it seems that I should have plenty of time to write.  Unfortunately, it isn’t turning out that way.

Since Mom died, I have been in this state of depression that I can’t get out of.  My wife thought it was because I miss Mom, but I had a talk with her the other night and I think I know what’s wrong.  My stress levels have been so high this last year that I have been on constant alert.  Here was an example of my schedule as of a couple months ago:

  • 10am – Fix Mom’s breakfast, which consisted of the food of the day, one cup of coffee with a blop of milk and one and a half teaspoons of sugar, a cup of juice, and her pills.
  • 11am-1pm – Work on homework until 1:30pm.
  • 1pm-2pm – Either fix Mom’s lunch or go to school depending on what day it was.  One of the older children fixed lunch when I had to go to school.
  • 2pm-5:30pm – If not at school, I worked on homework, ran errands, or did other assorted chores.  Take care of whatever Mom needed in between.
  • 5:30pm-6:30pm – If not at school, fix supper.  My wife took care of supper otherwise.
  • 6:30pm-8pm – Relax a bit unless still at school.
  • 8pm-10pm – Drive home from school or work with my wife on anything else that needed to be done, including anything Mom needed.
  • 10pm – Mom’s bedtime meds.
  • After that, it was free time until sleep.

The last week she was alive, the stress levels amped up to eleven.  After the funeral and the main aftermath, my classes started back and the children were out of school.  Plenty to do.  Then classes ended this week.  Suddenly, my schedule is open with nothing to keep my attention.  The routine that I followed with minor tweaks to account for Mom’s or the children’s needs was destroyed.  I have kept to a schedule for three years and not I have copious amounts of free time.

I have come to the conclusion that it is not Mom’s death.  Considering the pain she was in at the end, I consider it a blessing that she went when she did.  I miss her, but she is better off this way.

I think my main problem is that I have never handled drastic change well.  When I got divorced, I fell apart.  Ask anyone who was around at the time.  I was a total mess.  It wasn’t that I wanted my ex-wife back.  I didn’t.  An ex is an ex for a reason.  Or in our case, a multitude of reasons.  I fell apart because my life no longer made sense.  I was alone for the first time in my life.  I missed the hell out of my children.  They were a part of my life since the day they were born and suddenly I had to share them.  I lost my house.  I was laid off from my job.  My car was totaled.  All this happened over the space of a few months.  Yeah, I was a mess.

I am nowhere near that now, but the feeling is similar.  It’s like the difference between having a chocolate bar or a fudge brownie with chocolate chips, a scoop of chocolate-chocolate chip ice cream on top drenched in hot fudge.  It’s all chocolate, but there is a difference in magnitude.  My current depression still has that flavor of huge-life-changiness to it, but it is not heaped up in the bowl.

It just sucks a lot.

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“When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching — they are your family.”

~ Harry Dresden – Proven Guilty by Jim Butcher

What’s This in the Mail? Thursday, Jul 22 2010 

Listening to: Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers – Even the Losers

Well, apparently I “represent the best of” the Kennesaw State University College of Humanities and Social Sciences.  I just received a letter that I made the Dean’s List for Spring 2010.  My Mom would have been proud.  I pulled that off during a semester where I was financially beaten, was providing my mother with her day-to-day care in the last months of her life, and working through some tough classes.

Mom lived long enough to see my grades at the end of the semester in May and that is enough.  Still I wish she could see how far I have come.  I owe it all to her and my wife for teaming up to talk me into going back in the first place.  In two short years, I should have my teaching certificate.  Starting my first year of teaching at the age of 40 is going to be interesting.  I am also hoping to continue on to get my Master’s and Doctorate.

This is my barbaric yawp of the day: w00t!  I MADE THE DEAN’S LIST!

Yeah, that felt good.  It wasn’t especially barbaric, since it had actual words and all, but I think Whitman would understand.

*****************************************************

“O while I live to be the ruler of life, not a slave,
To meet life as a powerful conqueror,
No fumes, no ennui, no more complaints or scornful criticisms,
To these proud laws of the air, the water and the ground, proving
my interior soul impregnable,
And nothing exterior shall ever take command of me.”

~ Walt Whitman

Resistance is Futile. You will be Assimilated. Thursday, Jul 1 2010 

Listening to: Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers – The Waiting


AppleLogo

I’ve never been much of a Mac guy until today.  I swapped out my wife’s defective iPod Touch at the Apple store today since the touch screen would intermittently stop functioning.  I walked in and played with the iPad, some laptops, and some desktop models.  Afterward, I approached the counter where a guy checked me into the queue with his iPad.  I played around with an iPad for maybe three minutes before the guy called me back.

apple-ipad-tablet-ebook-420x0 The tech looked at the iPod, deemed it non-functional, and went tot he back of the store.  I figured he would fill out some paperwork, send the iPod off, and call me back (if I was lucky) when the replacement arrived.  I barely had time to text my wife that they were replacing her unit when the guy came back, had me sign and initial a form.   Then he handed me her new iPod Touch and kindly sent me on my way.

I was more than a little boggled.  I spent about a decade in tech support before this and speedy service like that is almost nonexistent.  I came home, set up the new iPod, and told the wife that I wanted to get some Macs at the next upgrade phase.  I am already getting an iPad when I finish my Bachelor’s degree (and aquire the teaching job that will hopefully stem from it), so it’s not much of a stretch.

imovie_main Still, I have been a die-hard Windows guy all my life.  This semester my work has been highly tech-dependent and Windows has let me down far too many times to count.  Windows Movie Maker alone has caused me more grief than I can take.  I played with iMovie today and almost wept bitterly for want of its shiny goodness.  God in heaven, it is slick.

So, I may need to get together some money and pick up a small mini lappy soon.  I just don’t know.  I have hardly been in possession of my current mini lappy a year.  It’s not quite time to upgrade yet.  Alas, it’s not even close to time.  My inner Veruca is in full-on whine mode, though.

veruca_salt

“I want it now!!!”

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